I didn’t grow up in a camping family. There were never weekends in the woods, meals over an open fire, or many bathroomless experiences in my life. In fact, unlike most kids who’ve probably spent at least one weekend in the forest with their family unit, mine missed out on these types of experiences because my dad ran resorts. His idea of “roughing it” was when we had to stay in a Hampton’s Inn because there were no rooms available at the Ritz. I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s totally true and as you can imagine, when my bestie, Kristine, told me we were going camping for her birthday I was totally freaked out.
I know that I’ll probably come off as some sort of looney toon when I say this, but I am absolutely horrified of the wilderness. Shit, when I go home to Florida and my mom asks me to take out the trash, I sprint. There’s no real reason for me to be running in pure panic, but I just can’t stop thinking that there are goblins and/or other scary beings hiding in the bushes, waiting to jump out and get me.
And more so, I don’t even consider myself a real girly girl, like at all, but an entire weekend in the woods? Without electricity? Without hot showers? With creepy bugs crawling all over me and psychopaths hiding in the woods, waiting to slit my throat when I fall asleep? C’mon! That sounds awful! And even though there were about 7 other couples going on this trip to make me not so scared and alone, I was going on this “adventure” solo, which meant that I had to sleep in a tent alone. WTF was I thinking when I agreed on this?
But luckily for me, my friends idea of camping was not to merely survive off the land, but instead it was more about getting totally tanked in the woods, partying for an entire weekend, and gorging ourselves full on not-good-for-you food. With the help of about 1000 semi-cold Budweiser’s and endless solo-cups full of mimosas and bloody mary’s,
and a night spent sleeping at my roommates and her boyfriends feet, I got so drunk that I wasn’t even scared anymore I was able to overcome my fear. I even took responsibility for the meals (truthfully, there was nothing else that I could help with) and made a grilled cheese snack-fest after the first night of belligerence. By combining gooey kraft singles, crispy bacon, and crunchy white bread in bacon grease, this grilled cheese sandwich is a comforting camping essential. And after eating it, you won’t even think of that movie when all those drunk kids got murdered when they were going on a camping trip with their buds.
-2 slices of bread
-2 slices of bacon, cooked
-3 slices of Kraft Singles
After you wake up and slam 4 bud heavies, get one of your friends to make the bacon. Don’t even think twice about throwing out your leftover grease. Remember, if you dump it in the woods, bears and other beasts will come find it and eat you. You must save it for grilled cheese. There’s no other option.
After they’ve cooked it up, hide it in your personal tent so that all the campers won’t gobble it down before the grilled cheeses are ready. If it’s nighttime, do not hide bacon in your tent. You’re just begging for trouble if you do. Anyways, grab 2 kraft singles and plop them down. Throw those plastic wrappers in the trash, not the river.
I need to address one thing because I know that some of you are probably like “what’s with the kraft singles grilled cheese girl?” well I can do my best to answer that, I resorted to those because I don’t think they can ever go bad.
Run out of ice? no sweat! Kraft singles will stay fresh forever. Just don’t think about why too much.
Since there were about 15 of us, I was only able to ration 2 slices of bacon per sandwich but you could do better! Cover your sandwich with as much as you can. I learned that diets don’t count on camping trips which is super fun.
Then add another Kraft single. Take in your surroundings… and another drink.
And the other slice of bread – which will help with the hangover that you’re about to have in 8 hours.
Now place some sort of cooking tool over a fire, making sure to cover any plastic parts with tinfoil so they don’t melt. I brought my big ass skillet because it’s my comfort item. Then with the remaining grease, plop your grilled cheese in and spin it around so that it soaks up all that delicious bacon juice.
Let ’em cook for a few minutes, it all depends on the size of your flame at this point, and let them get all crispy and melty and good.
Then when it’s done, holler at everyone to make a new batch of Bloody Mary’s and present them with your creations. You’ll want to smile and nod in appreciation as they hoist you onto their shoulders and carry you around the campsite in celebration.
Don’t forget to take the obligatory food photo to post on instagram
once you get service again.
So although though I’m not much of a camper, the grilled cheese sandwich just happens to be the perfect companion for those cold, scary, and drunk nights spent in the woods. And if you’re a big ole wimp like me, I hope this inspires all of you non-campers to get out there and have a good time!